


it was a matter of time (for the truth to reveal itself to me

by makemelovely



Category: Hart of Dixie
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 09:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11757291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: you loved me and of course I used it to my advantage. What else is a girl supposed to do with love?//or Lemon Breeland is selfish and she realizes she's always been selfish.





	it was a matter of time (for the truth to reveal itself to me

Selfish. If Lemon Breeland had to pick a least favorite word that would be it. Selfish. She can't even be mad at AB because it's true. She thinks maybe that's why it hurts so much. Because it's true.

There are tons of words to describe Lemon. Bratty. Spoiled. Smart. Beautiful. Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Maybe that's the only word that can truly describe Lemon Breeland. Of course she doesn't want to be selfish. She just can't stop. Looking back, she sees how clear it is. She wouldn't break up with George even though she was cheating on him because he was, in a word, hers. He always had been and back then she always thought he would be. She wouldn't break up with George even though she wasn't happy with him. She had an affair that she tried to end but couldn't because she loved Lavon. That saying, the one that goes 'if you love it set it free' wasn't Lemon's favorite saying. If you loved something you tried to keep it, didn't you? That's what Lemon always did. So yeah, she's selfish. But she hasn't been taught anything else. Grandma always said that if you had something you wanted you kept it. Even if it was descending into hell if you wanted it you keep it. You were supposed to descend into hell with it, she always said.

Lemon took the words to heart where she kept them.

~

Eyes on the prize, she always heard.

~

So maybe Lemon is selfish. It's something she's always been and Lemon's finally okay with herself. If she removes that part of her (a special, secret part but you'll know all about that later) then she'll no longer be Lemon Breeland. And she spent so long building Lemon Breeland, southern belle up from the destroyed, wrecked ruins of Lemon Breeland fifteen year old girl with shattered eyes and glass smiles that felt artificial that she can't changer herself.

~

But Lemon has always been selfish. When she was seven she wouldn't let anyone share her princess tiara. When she was eleven she told Annabeth's hair dresser the wrong hairstyle so she would have the prettiest hair style in all of middle school. When she was fourteen she spilled ketchup all over Cricket's white dress just before her picture got taken for the yearbook.

~

She's also tired. She is just so tired of smiling and being happy and holding people back because she wants to move forward first.

~

See, the thing about being selfish is it hurts. Don't think that Lemon hasn't felt that burn that comes with seeing the disappointment in their eyes (Daddy, Lavon, George, Annabeth. They all blur into a mess of blue eyes set in disappointment to brown eyes full of disappointment that shift to blue eyes set in stone and then to hazel that glitter with a missed opportunity that turn to blue eyes burning with emptiness and fear and self hatred that she is stuck seeing in the mirror) and the choking feeling that feels like she's swallowed glass and shards are stuck in her lungs.

It always stings because Lemon never wanted to be her mother. Her mother was selfish and awful and a million other cruel and angry words that exist in the human language. Abandoner. Fraud. Liar. Selfish.

Lemon thought that she was going to be the girl people loved. Her Daddy would love her, her mom would love her, Magnolia would love her, George would love her, and the entire town of Bluebell would love her. It was her dream. Sadly, it didn't happen. Sure her Daddy loved her. But her mom couldn't stick around to see her grow up. She left and moved a few towns over and started a new family. Without ever stopping by. Magnolia hated her half the time because she was the only mother Magnolia had ever known and that meant fights. George hated her and he had a reason to. Bluebell was wishy washy when it came to Lemon and that's wasn't good. It didn't fit Lemon's dreams.

Mostly, though, Lemon's dream was to not be her mother. But hey, maybe some dreams are just destined to come true.

~

Lemon feels like she's choking and she feels like she's dying. Her whole world is splitting apart and it's all because of the woman Lemon admired most.

~

So yeah, Lemon is selfish. And that's no excuse. There is no excuse.

~

Annabeth tells Lemon to go get her happy ending.

~

The thing that Lemon doesn't say is that she doesn't deserve a happy ending. She's caused so much misery and pain and heartache that sometimes it feels like she's being crushed under the weight of her sins (and there are lots).

The thing is that she doesn't deserve a happy ending and she knows it. She can't ever not know that she's terrible. That she wrecked good things and burned herself to the ground. Hell, she was practically staring in the mirror when she poured the lighter fluid over herself and she smiled at her reflection when she struck the match.

The thing is that Lemon Breeland is self destructive. She can't have a good thing and she knows it. She knows that she's selfish and selfish people don't get happily ever after's. That's just how it is.

~

Of course she's selfish. She built herself up in the image of her mother, the most selfish woman Lemon had ever had the displeasure of loving with her whole entire heart.

So yeah, Lemon's selfish. That's just who she is. It's the only way she can exist. There has to be a villain for the heroes to look down on and so Lemon took the mantle. Or maybe that's just what she tells herself to justify being selfish.

~

She's honestly not sure anymore.


End file.
